I’m in a conflict that has gotten complicated and ugly. Communication is broken down. It involves perceived broken promises, betrayal, and feelings of being taken for granted. I find myself wanting to stand up for myself and what is fair, and not wanting the other side win. Any suggestions?
When we feel anger there is often something very precious within us that the anger is defending, things like integrity, fairness, respect, acknowledgment, to name a few. Rather that focusing on what the other person did “wrong”, I suggest getting in touch with that preciousness, allow it to fill your body and being. From the perspective on the precious, observe the other person’s behavior and see if you can respond in a way that exudes the preciousness you feel.
I am sorry you are dealing with challenging conflict. That is so hard. I offer this reluctantly because I can imagine your wanting the other side to not “win” and standing up for yourself sounds wise and skillful. I recently was transformed by the work of Byron Katie. Instead of just reading her book ‘Loving What Is’ I took the advice of a friend (who was clearly FREED of her perpetual anxiety from doing The Work) who said to DO The Work. Even if I just fake it ’til I make it, I use the four questions and it really helps to do the Judge Your Neighbor Worksheet (since we cannot change what has happened nor change anyone else’s views of the situation – we can only free ourselves). http://thework.com/sites/thework/downloads/worksheets/JudgeYourNeighbor_Worksheet.pdf and http://thework.com/sites/thework/downloads/worksheets/instructions_for_thework.pdf. The only other thing that helps me in these painful conflict situations is Non-Violent Communication. For me, a lot of my pain is about my thoughts of how the other person sees me or wronged me but….the past is gone. How can I heal my heart-mind in this moment? How can I let go? I hope this was not preachy at all. I wish you well.
I resonate with your experience. When the communication breaks down it can be so hard to feel truly seen and understood. I know at times I have expected more than the situation or people involved can offer. Space was best in this instance in order to call back the parts of myself that were not colllectively engaged in my own well being. I also recall that when my energy was overly invested in a certain outcome it was very hard for me to be clear in what I actually needed. I tend to shy away from conflict however there are times when it is necessary to ensure that I have done everything I can to share my perspective. When that is done and a connection has not been achieved it is time to step back and let the frayed and frustrated parts relax. Finding a still place and allowing compassion to arise both for the self and the other persons involved then feels like a better place to move forward from.
Contraction/tense. Red/black/brick wall. Defensiveness. Stop. Stop when you notice the contraction and psycho babble over the situation. Just stop. Perhaps sit, close your eyes try some circular breathing. Breath in the fresh, and out the dirt. Drop into your heart space. Just try letting it go for now. Send love to yourself, and maybe to the other, just letting it go for now. Perhaps some time in the future you will both meet without defenses, and a spontaneous healing will occur from a open loving place. Every time you find yourself revisiting the contracted scenario, Stop and drop, and repeat the process. Ending in expansiveness/ softness/openess.