Coping with unwanted space
Oh ouch. These are such rough situations. I just did Stop, Drop & Ask on this and what came up was the image of a mirror. Another opportunity to see yourself more clearly, and hold what comes up with kindness, patience and curiosity. What are you attached to? Is there a desire to have control over that which can’t be controlled? Have you given yourself away? Why do you want the closeness? There are so many things that can come up. It is these really painful situations, though, that lay us the most bare and give us our greatest opportunity to see through the layers to the tender places of pain or wounding that just want to held.
I also had a memory of my wife pulling me out of my shell. When we used to get in arguments, I’d want to run away. She was very determined not to lose contact. Over time it started to work. Thus, I do think it makes sense to try to invite the loved one into the process of turning a conflict into a gift that can lead to deeper connection and mutual healing. The best way I know of to try to initially bridge the gap is with sincerity and vulnerability. “This is how I really feel about you and why I care so much, and I hope we can deepen because of this…” If your direct sincere attempt fails to elicit reconnection, patience and taking care of yourself and learning all you can aren’t bad alternatives. And at least you will know that you tried from your heart and with your deepest and best intentions. Let us know how this unfolds for you…
Each of us has differing styles of attachment. Some need closeness in order to feel secure while others need space in order to feel centred and available. I have found that different people bring out different sides of me. Certainly it has felt the hardest when I have wanted connection and my partner wants independence. A little bit of time , a little bit of space and a little bit of connection to ascertain whether there is an equal desire to be in relationship with the other. Remembering not to take the others behaviour personally and at the same time honouring my feelings , desires and needs. Relationship with others is such a journey that I feel must be rooted in a solid relationship with myself.