Miscarriage and Patience
For the past four and half years I have experienced two miscarriages and ongoing longing for a child that does not cease. I have consulted with herbalists, done minor fertility treatments with my husband that included drug treatment, and now I’m working with an acupuncturist. I feel better than ever in by body, and feel completely fertile. My relationship with my husband has been completely transformed. We went to therapy for some time and worked on the mess that had become of our relationship from experiencing infertility for this period of time. We are in this lovely ripe, open time for receiving a child… and yet the waiting persists. Being patient in this way is such a challenge. It’s so easy to fall into stories of self-pity: “so many other people get to have children, even people who use drugs or don’t want to be pregnant, why not us?” Others suggest that we adopt. But I feel strongly that I want a biological child. I have had readings done by psychics, who say there is a child spirit with us, but when I ask for more information, they tell me they are blocked from sharing. I believe this is a spiritual lesson in patience. I have experienced the myriad of emotions: anger at my body, resentment toward my husband and God, grief, desire/longing, frustration, envy, self-pity. Now I’m in the best state of all, openness. Yet still this is very challenging. Community, can you support me in continuing to tolerate this longing and waiting?
Thank you for sharing your experience of being open and ready and still having to wait, and the feeling of longing. I feel that way about my life and work at the moment. So when I stop and drop down to my heart I notice a smile, and how normal it is to feel impatient for the things that are ordinary parts of life – a baby, home, work – things that others seem to have so easily. There is tightness fear constriction in my chest. Compression in my head. Then I notice images of flowers opening in their own perfect timing. I feel more in the flow, opening to grace, the feeling of fulfillment with no particular outcome. It just is. I don’t know how to express well the feeling of both accepting the perfect timing, and feeling fulfilled, and then connecting with the baby/job/home/work that already exists. This is new for me, too. My heart is with you as you acknowledge the longing, feel the sensations and keep dropping into the heart space.