Struggling with insecurity and jealousy

I am 47 years old and have experienced several wonderful, long-term intimate relationships in my life. I was alone for several years until meeting my 57-year-old boyfriend on OkCupid about a year and a half ago. I find myself plagued by jealousy and insecurity in a way I have never felt. I believe him to be more attractive than me (and he’s sometimes a little flirty with other people) and I am not 100% trusting of him being faithful. Both is parents cheated on each other, some of his male friends are unfaithful to their wives and girlfriends, and my boyfriend can be quite charming. I don’t know if this is just me being paranoid or suffering from insecurity or if my intuition tells me he could be an opportunist who would cheat if the opportunity presented itself. I want to feel a Big Love (not possessive) but I also want to trust my partner. Does anyone have any advice on how to heal jealousy and insecurity? My friends sense¬†that my boyfriend adores me and would never cheat. Maybe it’s all my stuff. <sigh> So painful!

Shared on February 12, 2017 in Question.
2 Response(s)

Wow. This has to be really hard. What comes up for me when I do Stop, Drop & Ask on this one is an image of an adult me holding a young me repeating the words “I am worthy. I am worthy.” So it feels like an invitation to touch into this universal place of pain and self-doubt that wonders “Am I worthy?” This is just such a basic human energy. If you can open to it with a sense of curiosity and opportunity, you can hold it in the light of your loving awareness through practicing Stop, Drop & Ask yourself.

Something about the courage of vulnerability comes up for me as well. Could you share what you are going through with him in a way that invites him into a healing and transformational journey that the two of you can take together? It sounds like you want to offer all of yourself and a love not based on fear or clinging. If he knew this, he might be delighted to support your process, and the two of you could deepen your connection exponentially. Hope this helps and would love to hear how things unfold. As of this time, you can’t Respond or Comment without showing your User Profile. You can however create a new Anonymous Question. Blessings.

Responded on February 13, 2017.

Having been in 2 long term relationships in my life, I realize how special it is to find someone to love. I have been single for 9-10 years now and it is not so easy to find that chemistry. I have always had a natural monogamous attitude but I have come to learn that not everyone sees relationship that way. It would really be a shame to have jealously and lack of trust undermine such a valuable opportunity.¬† A good heart to heart talk may be necessary to discover what is going on with your boyfriend. I would think his charming behavior is one of the things that appeals to you, attempting to prevent him from this quality seems like it could be counter-productive. Maybe, discovering his view on monogamy would give you the information you need to trust and let go of the jealous attitude, or not! What you describe is that his peers and parental role models might condone “open relationships”, or include the fascination of secret affairs which appeal to some people. Or it may be some honest information that will help you get real about the nature of what you do share. The fact that you are at least honest with yourself about your jealous feelings give an opportunity to explore the issue which could result in deeper intimacy. Or knowledge that may at least allow you to address your own feelings which is a awesome opportunity to grow, although could be somewhat uncomfortable. Deep down, I see that I really support people enjoying each other and having healthy relationships, by defining them for themselves with each other. Not necessarily trying to fit in to some social condition of what a relationship should be.

Responded on February 17, 2017.